Enjoy a Dozen MORE Clean, Funny Jokes!

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Scientific Theory

here was a scientist who was studying frogs. The scientist told the frog to jump, so the frog jumped, and he jumped 4 feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook: a frog with 4 feet jumps 4 feet.
      
      The scientist then cut off one leg. He told the frog to jump, so the frog jumped. He jumped 3 feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook: a frog with 3 feet jumps 3 feet.
      
      The scientist then cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump, so the frog jumped. He jumped 2 feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook: a frog with 2 feet jumps 2 feet.
      
      The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump, so the frog jumped. He jumped 1 foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook: a frog with 1 foot jumps 1 foot.
      
      The scientist cut off the last leg. He told the frog jump, Jump, JUMP!
      
      But the frog did not move. So the scientist wrote in his notebook: a frog with no legs goes deaf.

 

 

 

Rest in Peace

ne Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside him and said quietly, “Good morning, Alex.”
      
      ”Good morning, Pastor,” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor McGhee, what is this?” Alex asked.
      
      ”Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the men and women who have died in the service.”
      
      Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex’s voice was barely audible when he finally managed to ask, “Which one, the 9:00 or 10:30 service?

 

 

 

Price of a Sermon

man and his ten-year-old son were on a fishing trip miles from home. At the boy’s insistence, they decided to attend the Sunday worship service at a small rural church. The father forgot to bring any cash, so he reached in his pocket and gave his son a dime to drop in the offering plate as it was passed.
      
      As they walked back to their car after the service, the father complained. “The service was too long,” he lamented. “The sermon was boring, and the singing was off key.”
      
      Finally the boy said, “Daddy, I thought it was only worth a dime, too.”

 

 

 

A Problem With Teeth

his minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
      
      When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.
      
      The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.
      
      The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.
      
      The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife’s dentures… and I guess that I just couldn’t stop talking!

 

 

 

Bragging boys

hree boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”
      
      The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”
      
      The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!”

 

 

 

Better Than Einstein

t the conclusion of the sermon, the worshipers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister. As one of them left, he shook the minister’s hand, thanked him for the sermon and said, “Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, you must be smarter than Einstein.” Beaming with pride, the minister said, “Why, thank you, brother!”
      
      As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man’s compliment. The more he thought, the more he became baffled as to why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So he decided to ask the man the following Sunday.
      
      The next Sunday he asked the parishioner if he remembered the previous Sunday’s comment about the sermon. The parishioner replied that he did. The minister asked: “Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?”
      
      The man replied, “Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But Reverend, you got him beat cause I can’t even find one person who can understand you.”

 

  

 

Stanley Cup Finals

man named Fred had tickets to game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals, right at center ice. As Fred sat down, a man came and asked him if anyone was going to occupy the seat next to him.
      
      ”No,” said Fred, “sit right down. The seat will be empty.”
      
      ”That’s incredible!” said the man. “Who in their right mind would reserve a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and then not use it?”
      
      Fred said, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven’t been to together since we got married nearly 50 years ago.”
      
      ”Oh… I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else – a friend or relative, or even a neighbor – to take her seat?”
      
      Fred shook his head sadly. “No. They’re all at the funeral.”

 

  

 

Calling in Sick

egotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract’s sick-leave provisions.
      
      One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, “This man,” he announced, “called in sick yesterday!”
      
      There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
      
      The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. “Wow,” he said. “Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn’t been sick!”

 

 

  

Dumb Jock

he basketball coach stormed into the university president’s office and demanded a raise right then and there. “Please,” protested the college President, “you already make more than the entire History department.”
      
      ”Yeah, maybe so, but you don’t know what I have to put up with,” the coach blustered. “Look.”
      
      He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. “Run over to my office and see if I’m there,” he ordered.
      
      Five minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.
      
      ”You’re not there, sir,” he reported.
      
     ”See what I mean?” said the coach.

“Oh, I see what you mean,” conceded the President, scratching his head. “I would have phoned.”

 

 

The Amazing Golf Ball

 wo friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.
      
      ”Don’t you have at least one other golf ball?”, he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one.
      
      ”Are you sure?”, the friend persisted. “What happens if you lose that ball?”
      
      The other guy replied, “This is a very special golf ball. I won’t lose it so I don’t need another one.”
      
      Well,” the friend asked, “what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?”
      
      ”That’s okay,” he replied, “this special golf ball floats. I’ll be able to retrieve it.”
      
      ”Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?”
      
      The other guy replied, “That’s okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I’ll be able to get it back — no problem.”
      
      Exasperated, the friend asks, “Okay. Let’s say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?”
      
      ”No problem,” says the other guy, “you see, this ball is florescent. I’ll be able to see it in the dark.”
      
      Finally satisfied that he needed only the one golf ball, the friend asked, “Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?”
      
      The other guy replies, “Oh, I just found it.” 

 

 

 

Fishing In Florida

hile sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
      
      Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, “Are there any gators around here?!”
      
      ”Naw,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!”
      
      ”Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
      
      About halfway there he asked the guy, “How’d you get rid of the gators?”

         ”We didn’t do nothin’,” the beachcomber said. “The sharks got ‘em.”

 

 

 

Psychologically Speaking

he psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”
      
      A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”

 

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