Enjoy 13 MORE Clean, Funny Jokes!

 Thanks for stopping by, and I hope you are enjoying this long block of clean, funny jokes for your entertainment and edification. Be sure to bookmark, favorite or otherwise be able to quickly come back for more clean, funny jokes soon!

 

 

   What a True Redneck Would Say Regarding Computer-Related Questions

      1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.
      2. LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood.
      3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
      4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.
      5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.
      6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
      7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
      8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.
      9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain’t in the winter time.
      10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it’s cold outside.
      11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it’s blak fly season.
      12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
      13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
      14. MICRO CHIP: Whut’s in the bottom of the munchie bag.
      15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.
      16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix’s wife.
      17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
      18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
      19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
      20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
      21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
      22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
      23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer “C’mon in y’all”
      24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain’t ‘member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
      25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.

 

 

Bubbba Knows Everybody?

ubba was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
      
      Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?”
      
      ”Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. ” So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, “Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch! “
      
      Although impressed, Bubba’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba’s knowing Cruise was just lucky.
      
      ”No, no, just name anyone else,” Bubba says.
      
      ”President Clinton,” his boss quickly retorts.
      
      ”Yes,” Bubba says, “I know him, let’s fly out to Washington.”
      
      And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.” Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
      
      After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
      
      ”The Pope,” his boss replies. “Sure!” says Bubba.
      
      ”My folks are from Poland, and I’ve known the Pope a long time.”
      
      So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
      
      Working his way to his boss’ side, Bubba asks him, “What happened?” His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who’s that on the balcony with Bubba?”

 

 

Redneck Etiquette

      PERSONAL HYGIENE
      1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys
      2. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
      
      ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
      1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
      2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table…no matter how good his manners are.
      
      THEATER ETIQUETTE
      1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
      2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.
      
      WEDDINGS
      1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 
      2. For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
      3. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
      
      DRIVING ETIQUETTE
      1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles – even if your gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
      2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
      3. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
      4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back some coffee and donuts.
      5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

 

 

 

Things A Redneck Won’t Say

      1. “I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex”
      2. “Duct tape won’t fix that.”
      3. “Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.”
      4. “We don’t keep firearms in this house.”
      5. “You can’t feed that to the dog.”
      6. “I thought Graceland was tacky.” 
      7. “Professional wrasslin’s fake.”
      8. “Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?” 
      9. “We’re vegetarians.” 
      10. “I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.”
      11. “Honey, the bonsai and palm trees need watering.”
      12. “I don’t understand the appeal of NASCAR.”
      13. ”I like small bags of pork rinds.”
      14. “Deer heads detract from the decor.”
      15. ”Spitting is such a nasty habit.”
      16. ”I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.”
      17. ”Trim the fat off that steak.”
      18. ”Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.” 
      19. ”I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.” 
      20. ”Unsweetened tea tastes better.”
      21. “Would you like your fish poached or broiled?” 
     22. ”I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.” 
      23. ”Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?” 
      24. “I don’t have a favorite college football team.” 
      25. “Elvis who?”
      26. “Checkmate.”

 

 

 

Rights For Rednecks

      1. You have the right to remain motionless, but if you don’t, I can either cuff or hog tie you. 
       
      2. Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to chase you down to the ends of the earth to devour you.
      
      3. You have the right to have your lawyer run with you, but if he shall not be able to outrun you, he shall be considered fair game for my K-9 to devour.

      4. If while running, you suddenly decide to end the race, beware that my K-9 may or may (probably WON’T) not understand your intentions, and may continue his pursuit of you in full stride whereupon catching you he will devour you until I arrive to subdue him.
      
      5. You may stop running at any time; see answer #4.

 

 

 

Redneck Dictionary

      Artery: The study of paintings.
      Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria.
      Barium: What to do when patients die.
      Benign: What you be after you be eight.
      Catscan: Looking for the kitty.
      Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.
      Cesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome. 
      Coma: A punctuation mark. 
      Dilate: To live long.
      Enema: Not a friend.
      Fester: Quicker than the other guy.
      Fibula: A small lie.
      Genital: Non-Jewish person.
      G.I. Series: World series of military baseball.
      Hangnail: What you hang your coat on.
      Impotent: Distinguished, well known.
      Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work.
      Lower G.I.: Privates and Corporals.
      Medical Staff: A Doctor’s cane.
      Morbid: A higher offer than I bid.
      Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates.
      Node: Not a doubt. 
      Pap Smear: Someone who besmirched Papa’s good name.
      Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.
      Post Operative: Fancy name for a letter carrier.
      Recovery Room: Holding tank for drunks.
      Rectum: Cars that have been totaled.
      Secretion: It’s a secret.
      Seizure: Roman emperor.
      Tablet: A small table.
      Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.
      Tumor: One more than one.
      Urine: Opposite of you’re out.
      Upper G.I.: Colonels and Generals.
      Varicose: Near by/close by.

 

 

 

Kiss The Mirror

 middle school for girls was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.
      
      Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called several of the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.
      
      To demonstrate how much work they were making for the custodian, she asked him to clean one of the mirrors while the girls watched.
      
      The custodian took a long-handled brush, dipped it into the nearest toilet, and proceeded to scrub the mirror.
      
      From that day on, the problem of lip prints on the mirrors was completely eliminated.

 

 

 

Skipping School

he local high school has a policy that the parent’s must call the school if the student is to be absent for the day. Kelly, deciding to bunk and go to the mall with her friends waited till her parent’s had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call.
      
      Kelly: “Hi, I’m calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.
      
      Secretary at high school: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I’ll note her absence. Who is this calling?”
      
      Kelly: “This is my mother.”

 

 

 

Tough Teacher

school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of school, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
      
      Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he simply took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. Funny thing, it seems he had no trouble with discipline that year.

 

 

Letter Home

Dear Mom and Dad,
      
      I guess you heard by now that the dorm burned. We were all in the basement smoking pot, and I guess somehow we set the dorm on fire. But no one was hurt, even though most of our belongings were burned up. Oh, and by the way, I’m getting married real soon. I have to, you see, because I’m going to have a baby… you’ll meet Bob soon. He’s got a really sweet Harley…
      
      Actually… I’m not pregnant, and I don’t even know anyone named Bob… and I’m not going to get married. There was no fire and I wouldn’t know what to do with pot… but I did flunk chemistry, and I just wanted you to be able to put it into perspective!

 

 

Hearing Double

linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”
      
      A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

 

 

 

Isle of Skye Student

onald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.
      
      After he’d been there a month, his mother came to visit him.
      
      ”How do you get along with the other students, Donald?” she asked.
      
      ”Mother,” he replied, “they’re such terribly noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head and other objects on the wall and won’t stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.”
      
      ”Oh Donald!” says his mother. “How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy neighbors?”
      
      ”Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them and sit here quietly, playing my bagpipes until morning.”

 

 

Standing Joke

new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!” After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
      
      The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?
      
      ”No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!” 

 

 

Old Bones

ome tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”
      
      The guard replies, “They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.” 
       
      ”That’s an awfully exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?”
      
      The guard answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”

 

Choose another category

 

Thanks for stopping by, and be sure to come back for more clean, funny jokes soon!

777denny